Active listening means demonstrating to the speaker that the speaker has been heard. Active listening also means creating a shared meaning between listener and speaker. Managers demonstrate and create shared meaning by using verbal and nonverbal-listening responses. The listening responses include clarifying, acknowledging, self-disclosure, and maintaining congruence. These four skills will be discussed at length later in this chapter, along with the nonverbal-listening responses and the relationship between culture and listening. First, though, I want to share some overall listening habits of the most effective listeners. I call these the eleven habits of highly effective listeners.
The Eleven Habits of Highly Effective Listeners
- Highly effective listeners work at listening. They realize listening is composed of many skills and that it takes practice to improve these skills. They practice their listening skills every opportunity they have.
- Highly effective listeners look for a common area of interest in the speaker’s message. They view listening as an opportunity to find out information or to learn more about the speaker.
- Highly effective listeners maintain an open mind. Even if they disagree with what the speaker has to say, they do not shut down. They still listen to understand the other person’s point of view without getting judgmental. They also watch out for triggers (words, expressions, or actions from the speaker) that would immediately put them in an emotional state. They try to remain calm and constructive.
- Highly effective listeners avoid distractions. They understand that anything can be a distraction to a speaker. They try to limit distractions such as the phone or pager going off, working on other things while they are listening, and playing with objects on their desks. They give their full attention to the speaker.
- Highly effective listeners ask for feedback. They ask others for constructive feedback on how they come across in listening situations. When appropriate, they use videotaping as another way of getting feedback.
- Highly effective listeners can separate content from delivery. A big part of listening is to listen to everything the speaker presents, not just her words. However, it is also imperative to focus on the message and separate it from the speaker’s appearance, dress, accent, and job title.
- Highly effective listeners comprehend nonverbal communication. They are able to pick up meaning not only through the speaker’s words but also through his voice inflection or tone, rapidity of speech, facial expression, body movement, and hand gestures.
- Highly effective listeners use active listening to help them make decisions. They listen to others’ points of view, opinions, knowledge, and experience. This enables them to make sounder decisions.
- Highly effective listeners know that hearing and listening are very different. Anyone lucky enough to have the physiological capability can hear sounds and words. Your most effective listeners use active listening. They interpret the words and nonverbal behaviors, derive meaning from them, and let the speaker know that he or she was understood.
- Highly effective listeners always have a goal in mind when they are listening. They try to accomplish something during each of their listening encounters. The goal may be fact-finding or comprehension or directive, or to be an appreciative listener or empathetic one.
- Highly effective listeners know that pretending to listen is not better than admitting that they are not interested or do not have the time to listen. Your best listeners will let others know if they are not prepared to listen at that moment and, if possible, they try to set up another time when they will be able to give 100 percent of their attention to the speaker. They may have deadlines to meet, or they may be under a lot of stress or right in the middle of an important project. I have met many ingenious managers over the years who found ways to "subtly" hint that they do not have the time to listen. Let me share several examples:
- A manager in the travel-related division of American Express puts police tape in her office doorway when she is working on an important assignment and doesn’t have the time to listen.
- A manager at Microsoft always stands up when someone enters his cubicle. This immediately sends the message to others that the manager doesn’t have the time to listen now.
- Many managers set time limits. They say that they have ten minutes to spare, and if that isn’t enough time, then they suggest meeting later.
- A manager at Disney Imaginary says he is working on a special project for Michael Eisner (Disney’s CEO). It always works. People leave his office immediately.
Some managers angle their desks and chairs so they aren’t facing the opening to their office or cubicle. Many studies have shown that when managers and their desks face the entranceway to their office, they get many more visitors. The trick is to angle the desk about forty-five degrees so that when someone passes an open door or space and looks in (they may have passed it a thousand times but they will still look in) eye contact isn’t made. Eye contact encourages or obliges someone to speak.
Effective listeners try not to pretend to listen because, eventually, the speaker will know that they are not being active listeners. Obviously, there are times and situations when we may have to pretend to listen because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or tell the person we are not interested or do not have the time. At one time or another, even the best listeners have pretended to listen to the boss, the customer, and the mother-in-law. Psychologists tell us that we should never pretend to listen to our children. These are the listening situations that really challenge us. The best listeners use all of their listening skills in these situations and before long, they are not pretending, they are actively listening.